Florida

My favorite place is anywhere that is surrounded by an Ocean. If I can hear waves, float and swim until I resemble a (beautiful, non elderly) prune, and breathe in salty air, then all is well in my book. The ocean is where I go to find peace, to rest, and it's where I often feel God the most. Looking out over what I consider to be His greatest piece of work, I'm reminded how small I really am, and how big He truly is. Here is where my son and I (and my husband when he is off of work) spend a lot of our days.

Water baby, just like his Mom.

I don't understand how anyone could hate Florida. It's beautiful.

Suburban Soccer Mom

Since my paychecks these days come in the form of poorly aimed, overly wet toddler kisses, dead insects, and "Lub jew, momchi," (I love you, Mommy), I'm now a wise(r) spender. Thankfully, my husband supports me and wants me to continue staying home with our kid(s) until they all (one day, a sibling will hopefully be here) begin kindergarten, so.....he gifted me with this, my first official mom-ride/grocery getter/beach and park mobile. It's used, but is in almost perfect condition. And it's all mine. Introducing "Big Amy." She's a bus. I love her (but send me gas gift cards if you're reading this, please).

Hey baby

This a quiet boy makes.

So much room for activities

He's pleased.

Work in Progress

Remember my "bless her heart" newly married attempt at surprising my groom with his favorite cake after he had finished a really long day? It was posted on my Facebook page years ago. You know, this:

I KNOW. I KNOW. I tried? Scott hugged me and declared it wonderful that night. As he should have.

But thankfully, I've improved in the past 7 years. A lot. Here are two things that I've baked for him just this week that he did not have to hug me and say "it's ok, I still love it" over (a food photographer I am not):

                                                   Miniature Pecan Pies              

Miniature Peach Pies

I like my food miniature. I don't have any explanations for this.

I really enjoy baking but will probably not be writing about it a ton, other than this "proving that the women got in the kitchen" post, as most people with successful blogs write about their journeys with gluten free, organic, vegetarian, Kale Juice, kind of stuff. I love those people and I have tried to be one of them, but I have yet to call anything green and leafy a close friend of mine. It's a wonder, honestly, that I have lost 35 pounds since moving back from NYC....braggingwhilewriting. I can. It's my blog.

Trusting

We moved back to Tampa a year ago last week, just for the record. If you collect or record records.

Last night I received a call from a girlfriend back up in NYC. This is a girl who daily encouraged me, for seven years straight, with my quest to make it as an improv performer or as a sketch writer, and for a brief period of time, as a Hand Model (don't laugh, I have great, child-like hands).  I was dreading her question. The question that I knew was on her mind but that she was footing gently around. And then, right as I was breathing in the receiver to make it sound like we had a bad connection (seriously, this trick does not work, don't be me) so that I could avoid the turn in the conversation that I saw coming at me like a freight train, she asked. "So are you still pursuing any of your dreams down in the South?" Crickets. A long, long line of crickets passed between us. I was hoping she'd hang up. She stayed on the line. "Not really" was all that I could finally say.

I'm struggling currently to even know what my dreams are. Do I still want to act? That book that I've sketched out about my time in NYC, which is currently sitting only halfway written...do I really want to finish it? Do I seriously want to go back to school to pursue a Masters in Special Education? I'm 33. I should have my life figured out. Or maybe that's just what the enemy wants me to think. Maybe he prefers my heart to be in a state of discouragement....

"Trust me" These two words. I keep hearing them. Continually. "Trust me." I hear them in my heart when I'm having a bad day, when my son is acting a fool, when the car won't start, when our search for a house of our own falls short, and when God's hand seems to have disappeared. "Trust me." My husband reminds me to have Faith. To trust that God is leading us somewhere great, he reminds me to look at what God has already done for us in just the past year alone. He's a better person than I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm excellent at being able to look back at events in my life and point them all towards God-I know full well what He can do and what He has already done. It's in the here and now, when my questions are many and my answers are few, that I struggle.  I guess that's why I have been brought to this place. To learn to trust.

So...my dreams. If I were to be 100% honest with myself, I would say that my current dream is to just be a mom while the kids are small. I want to raise my son in a home that is filled with love, books, building things and then breaking them down with fast moving tiny cars, baking, and zero deadlines on my end. I worked full time for the first 15 months of his life, and I hated being away from him, hated every second of it. When he begins school, I would love to then return to the classroom, and be focused and driven once again.  But not until that day arrives. I think I have feared saying this aloud (i still haven't..loophole since this is in writing only), because in a world filled with so many women taking over the business world, this fact made me sound, in my mind, lazy and outdated. But this is my heart. It's what I want most, and in time, God will restore my story with a way to be creative. I trust that.

 So yes, I guess I AM pursuing my dreams. The dreams have just changed, the dreamer has not.

By the way, this is what it looks like on my end when I write a blog; send me coffee: