Last night I received a call from a girlfriend back up in NYC. This is a girl who daily encouraged me, for seven years straight, with my quest to make it as an improv performer or as a sketch writer, and for a brief period of time, as a Hand Model (don't laugh, I have great, child-like hands). I was dreading her question. The question that I knew was on her mind but that she was footing gently around. And then, right as I was breathing in the receiver to make it sound like we had a bad connection (seriously, this trick does not work, don't be me) so that I could avoid the turn in the conversation that I saw coming at me like a freight train, she asked. "So are you still pursuing any of your dreams down in the South?" Crickets. A long, long line of crickets passed between us. I was hoping she'd hang up. She stayed on the line. "Not really" was all that I could finally say.
I'm struggling currently to even know what my dreams are. Do I still want to act? That book that I've sketched out about my time in NYC, which is currently sitting only halfway written...do I really want to finish it? Do I seriously want to go back to school to pursue a Masters in Special Education? I'm 33. I should have my life figured out. Or maybe that's just what the enemy wants me to think. Maybe he prefers my heart to be in a state of discouragement....
"Trust me" These two words. I keep hearing them. Continually. "Trust me." I hear them in my heart when I'm having a bad day, when my son is acting a fool, when the car won't start, when our search for a house of our own falls short, and when God's hand seems to have disappeared. "Trust me." My husband reminds me to have Faith. To trust that God is leading us somewhere great, he reminds me to look at what God has already done for us in just the past year alone. He's a better person than I am. Don't get me wrong, I'm excellent at being able to look back at events in my life and point them all towards God-I know full well what He can do and what He has already done. It's in the here and now, when my questions are many and my answers are few, that I struggle. I guess that's why I have been brought to this place. To learn to trust.
So...my dreams. If I were to be 100% honest with myself, I would say that my current dream is to just be a mom while the kids are small. I want to raise my son in a home that is filled with love, books, building things and then breaking them down with fast moving tiny cars, baking, and zero deadlines on my end. I worked full time for the first 15 months of his life, and I hated being away from him, hated every second of it. When he begins school, I would love to then return to the classroom, and be focused and driven once again. But not until that day arrives. I think I have feared saying this aloud (i still haven't..loophole since this is in writing only), because in a world filled with so many women taking over the business world, this fact made me sound, in my mind, lazy and outdated. But this is my heart. It's what I want most, and in time, God will restore my story with a way to be creative. I trust that.
So yes, I guess I AM pursuing my dreams. The dreams have just changed, the dreamer has not.
By the way, this is what it looks like on my end when I write a blog; send me coffee:
2 comments:
Amen
He is so cute! Being at home with the kids can be hard good and bad days. I have always said I work way harder being at home. But there is nothing like watching them grow:)
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